Head Games

I don't understand this. I can't even begin to decipher why this is happening to me. And I can't seem to shake the feeling that I will probably need several sessions of therapy before this all goes away.

Hm. So maybe I should back up. I may have already confused some people.

I've been on campus at UK for about a week now. I've managed to make it through three days of classes without any real hiccups (unless you count my freaking out due to a very minor miscommunication). Yet, today after making it all the way to Kennedy's Bookstore (a bookstore on the other side of campus) to return a book, I realized that I didn't have my receipt with me.

Now, I was still able to buy a book that I needed, so it wasn't a completely wasted trip. But it left me feeling extremely dumb -- especially when you consider the fact that I had just had that receipt out this morning before leaving for Kennedy's. And now, I'll have to go back up there between classes tomorrow. The ride back from campus wasn't a fun one, to say the least. The whole time all I could hear was my mother's voice ringing in my ears. "How could you be so stupid?" "Why would you do that?" "That was really dumb." Comments that I have grown up hearing from her for the past 18 years. They never failed to surface whenever I'd make a mistake.

Not exactly what you would call encouraging. What bothered me the most about it, though (besides my forcing a certain person to sit through my blubbering on the issue -- that bothers me. A lot.) is the fact that, while she isn't even anywhere near me, my mother still manages to get inside my head. Even after two months of living without her.

If things are going to be this bad when she's not around, what will things be like when she comes up to visit? Because that's what she wants to do. She and my stepdad want to come up and visit me here, see my dorm, meet my roommate, etc.

Just when I think I've got things under control, just when I feel like I'm making some kind of progress here on my own, something pops out of the woodwork to ensure that I don't feel that way any more.

What You Want to Hear

Do you remember being a little kid and asking an adult (a parent, a babysitter, a grandparent -- whomever) a question? You would never really be satisfied with the answer they gave you. Instead, you'd continually ask why -- at least, I did.

See, since my memory isn't exactly the greatest thing the world, I don't really have an "earliest childhood memory." Not a specific one, anyway. What I do remember in particular, though are the countless times I said, "why," to my parents when I was younger.

I was a pretty curious kid when I was little -- I think we all were at some point in our lives. I would ask a question, an adult would answer me. Not stopping there, I'd usually respond with, "Why?" To which the adult I was talking to would reply, "Because," and be done with it....or so they thought. But I -- being the crafty little angel that I was (not conceited at all) -- continued with, "Because why?"

Now, the response to that question would usually depend on who I was talking to. If I was talking to my dad -- or any other adult, really -- he would usually try and explain things to me. But if I was talking to my mom, I was usually met with, "Because I said so."

Over time I grew to accept what my mother told me and stopped asking why. Sure, I was still curious -- in some ways, I'm still just as inquisitive now as I was back then. I just leaned not to ask.

It took me a while, but I finally realized that there was a problem with that. It's human nature to be curious and it's normal for us to ask, "why." People who try to stifle that aren't helping us at all. They're only hurting us.

That little realization didn't dawn on me until about a year and a half ago. And it took someone from the outside to help me see it -- to teach me that blind acceptance isn't healthy for anyone.

Of course, there's a flip side to that, too. While blindly accepting things and never asking why can be unhealthy, asking questions can be bad, too. There's some truth to the saying, "Curiosity killed the cat" -- a lot of truth, actually. Sometimes, it's just better not to know.

See, when you ask questions, you start to get answers. That sounds dumb, I know, but it's true. If you ask a question, you aren't guaranteed to get an answer that you'll like. Trust me, I know. I know because it happened to me.

I found out things about my family. I learned things that I would rather not have known. And, once I knew, I could no longer be satisfied with maintaining the status quo.

I started to do anything to challenge that status quo. That started to cause some problems. In hindsight, I probably could have handled things better. Should have handled things better. Maybe if I had there wouldn't have been such a huge misunderstanding. Maybe I wouldn't have had to see that scared little boy about two months ago -- the one that I didn't realize had, up until that point in time, remained hidden inside that then-eighteen year old.

I've said it before -- to him, actually -- and I'll say it again: I never want to see that scared little child again. Worse, I never want to see him again, knowing that I brought that out in him. That my actions had a hand in bringing him out in the open.

But I do know one thing: I'm not going back to living my life the way I did before -- blindly accepting everything, never asking why. I can't go back. However, I realize that I can't make the same mistakes, either.

Curiosity is a double-edged sword. Certain questions lead to certain answers. You may not always like the answer you receive, but that doesn't change the fact that it's the answer you will get.

So, be careful about the questions you ask. Don't ask a question unless you are prepared to hear the answer, whether you want to hear it or not.

Why Easy Targets and People with Control Issues Don't Mix

Okay, so I'd just like to make one thing abundantly clear with everyone right here and now: Messing with people because they're easy to mess with is not okay. Just because someone is an easy target is no excuse to mess with them. I don't know why people do it, but it seems to be an odd source of entertainment for some people.

Maybe they do it for a laugh. Or maybe they do it because they have major control issues. The former isn't so bad, really -- as long as you make it clear that you are joking. The latter, however, can be detrimental to the "easy targets" involved.

See, people think messing with others is fun. More importantly, they think it's funny.They don't realize what it does to people, though. They don't realize that it makes them feel dumb, gullible, and pathetic. It's not exactly a self-esteem booster.

When you mess with people for the sake of satisfying your appetite for control, it does basically the same thing. It doesn't help people maintain a healthy level of self-esteem. And it certainly doesn't help them to trust others, either.

Bottom line: Words are powerful. You can tear a person down or build a person up with your words. Be careful with them, because there are easy targets out there. And messing with them -- for any reason -- isn't acceptable.

Hey Everybody! :)

So, here it is -- my first post. Wow. I'm not really sure if I have enough to talk about for this to even be considered a post, but oh well. I suppose I should start with a few things about myself.

This should be interesting; I'm not used to talking about myself. But it might help you understand some of the stuff I put up here, I guess. Here goes nothing.

My name is Crystal and I'm 18 years old. In 8 days, I will be moving in at the University of Kentucky, where I will be majoring in Journalism. It's a good thing I'm trying my hand at blogging, I guess, since it looks like that is what the newspaper industry will become in a few years. That, and I love writing almost as much as I love reading -- maybe more.

As you've no doubt figured out from the title of this blog, I'm a preacher's kid. My dad is currently the pastor of Floyds Knobs Christian Church in Floyds Knobs, Indiana. Being the daughter of a preacher is....frustrating at times. People seem to think that, because I'm a preacher's kid, I should be perfect. I'm sorry to disappoint you, but the only perfect person died on a cross over 2000 years ago. I make mistakes, just like everyone else -- probably more than anyone else.

I'm a Christian. My dad is a Disciples of Christ minister, but I don't really care about denominations. We all worship the same God, so what does it matter if we're Baptist, Methodist, Presbyterian, or whatever. God doesn't care, so why should we?

The same goes for politics, too. Don't ask me if I'm a Republican or a Democrat, a Liberal or a Conservative. There are two reasons for this: 1) I don't know which category I fall into and 2) I don't really care. I have an opinion for every issue, so much so that it is hard for me to pick just one side to represent. But I don't think it makes much sense to pick sides, anyway. If we're all striving for the same common goal, then why should our country be split between two different political parties?

That's pretty much all you need to know about me. The rest you can find by viewing my profile. I'm going to say this to everyone here and now, though: If I say something in one of my blogs that offends anyone, I'm sorry. I don't mean to offend anyone, but I won't sacrifice expressing my opinions for the sake of someones feelings; I can't. I know that sounds harsh, but it's the truth.

Happy reading, everybody!