I'm really getting tired of this. I'm tired of waiting for you to be the adult that you're supposed to be. I'm tired of getting my hopes up, of thinking that we can actually get along together as mother and daughter, only to have them crash to the ground. The way they always do. I'm tired of crying when it does.
I find it amazing that you can go on Facebook to see what I'm doing, (I know it's me you're checking up on because you don't have any other friends on there) but you can't send me an e-mail to ask me how I'm doing. Not even when you haven't seen me for a week!
Honestly, I expected more from you. I mean, I'm your daughter. Doesn't that mean anything to you?! I wish I knew what you were trying to accomplish with your actions -- if you're doing this to try and maintain a relationship with me, I'm going to tell you it isn't going to work. I'm surprised you think that it will.
I said I'm tired and I am. I'm tired of always being the one to make contact. I'm tired of always being the one trying to keep this up. I'm tired of caring. But most of all, I'm tired of pretending that I don't care. I'm so tired of trying to convince myself that not having a relationship with you doesn't matter to me. Because it does. It matters a lot.
I just wish it mattered as much to you as it does to me. Obviously, it doesn't. I wish I mattered more to you.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Grow Up!
So, this is definitely something that needs to be said to a friend of mine. I suppose posting it on here will have to suffice for now.
As much as I would like to believe that you two would be good for each other, I’m beginning to see that that is just not the case. You don’t know what all of your constant flirting is doing to her. You will never be able to see how much this is really affecting her and the way she lives her life. The girl is in love with you, but you’re too childish and clueless to recognize it for what it is. You two would never work out. I understand this now, because the fact of the matter is, you need to grow up. You need to stop acting like a little boy who’s just interested in having fun and understand that girls have feelings. And toying with those feelings isn’t a good idea. It could land you in a whole mess of trouble and it could damage the girl for a long time.
Like I said to you before: if you like her ask her out; if you don’t, then stop doing this. It’s not fair to her and honestly, I can’t see how it’s helping you any. Maybe you think you’re being normal around her. Maybe you think this is just how you’re supposed to act. Whatever it is, I can assure you that it’s not healthy for her. Take it from someone who knows how a girl is wired. I know how girls work; you, obviously, do not.
If that’s not enough of a reason for you to listen to me, then maybe this will be. Take it from someone who has sat through the confusion, heartache and oftentimes pain that you have caused this girl. This is my best friend you’re messing with. Break her heart and I will spare no part of you in exacting my revenge.
If you don’t like her, move on so that she can do the same. You’re nothing more than a little boy who doesn’t really know what he wants. Until you figure that out, I’d try and reign in your flirting a little bit. I’m not saying you should give up talking to her; just stop making her think that there could be something more between the two of you, especially if you have no intention of pursuing anything further than friendship with her.
She is like a sister to me. Yes, we are that close. So, do yourself a favor and don’t hurt her. Be her friend, if that’s all you want to be. Give her a chance to move on from you, to see that there are other guys out there. If you want to be something more than friends though, then do something about it and stop messing around. Because you’re not just messing with a person; you’re messing with her heart, her emotions. And those are things that should never be toyed with.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Head Games
I don't understand this. I can't even begin to decipher why this is happening to me. And I can't seem to shake the feeling that I will probably need several sessions of therapy before this all goes away.
Hm. So maybe I should back up. I may have already confused some people.
I've been on campus at UK for about a week now. I've managed to make it through three days of classes without any real hiccups (unless you count my freaking out due to a very minor miscommunication). Yet, today after making it all the way to Kennedy's Bookstore (a bookstore on the other side of campus) to return a book, I realized that I didn't have my receipt with me.
Now, I was still able to buy a book that I needed, so it wasn't a completely wasted trip. But it left me feeling extremely dumb -- especially when you consider the fact that I had just had that receipt out this morning before leaving for Kennedy's. And now, I'll have to go back up there between classes tomorrow. The ride back from campus wasn't a fun one, to say the least. The whole time all I could hear was my mother's voice ringing in my ears. "How could you be so stupid?" "Why would you do that?" "That was really dumb." Comments that I have grown up hearing from her for the past 18 years. They never failed to surface whenever I'd make a mistake.
Not exactly what you would call encouraging. What bothered me the most about it, though (besides my forcing a certain person to sit through my blubbering on the issue -- that bothers me. A lot.) is the fact that, while she isn't even anywhere near me, my mother still manages to get inside my head. Even after two months of living without her.
If things are going to be this bad when she's not around, what will things be like when she comes up to visit? Because that's what she wants to do. She and my stepdad want to come up and visit me here, see my dorm, meet my roommate, etc.
Just when I think I've got things under control, just when I feel like I'm making some kind of progress here on my own, something pops out of the woodwork to ensure that I don't feel that way any more.
Hm. So maybe I should back up. I may have already confused some people.
I've been on campus at UK for about a week now. I've managed to make it through three days of classes without any real hiccups (unless you count my freaking out due to a very minor miscommunication). Yet, today after making it all the way to Kennedy's Bookstore (a bookstore on the other side of campus) to return a book, I realized that I didn't have my receipt with me.
Now, I was still able to buy a book that I needed, so it wasn't a completely wasted trip. But it left me feeling extremely dumb -- especially when you consider the fact that I had just had that receipt out this morning before leaving for Kennedy's. And now, I'll have to go back up there between classes tomorrow. The ride back from campus wasn't a fun one, to say the least. The whole time all I could hear was my mother's voice ringing in my ears. "How could you be so stupid?" "Why would you do that?" "That was really dumb." Comments that I have grown up hearing from her for the past 18 years. They never failed to surface whenever I'd make a mistake.
Not exactly what you would call encouraging. What bothered me the most about it, though (besides my forcing a certain person to sit through my blubbering on the issue -- that bothers me. A lot.) is the fact that, while she isn't even anywhere near me, my mother still manages to get inside my head. Even after two months of living without her.
If things are going to be this bad when she's not around, what will things be like when she comes up to visit? Because that's what she wants to do. She and my stepdad want to come up and visit me here, see my dorm, meet my roommate, etc.
Just when I think I've got things under control, just when I feel like I'm making some kind of progress here on my own, something pops out of the woodwork to ensure that I don't feel that way any more.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
What You Want to Hear
Do you remember being a little kid and asking an adult (a parent, a babysitter, a grandparent -- whomever) a question? You would never really be satisfied with the answer they gave you. Instead, you'd continually ask why -- at least, I did.
See, since my memory isn't exactly the greatest thing the world, I don't really have an "earliest childhood memory." Not a specific one, anyway. What I do remember in particular, though are the countless times I said, "why," to my parents when I was younger.
I was a pretty curious kid when I was little -- I think we all were at some point in our lives. I would ask a question, an adult would answer me. Not stopping there, I'd usually respond with, "Why?" To which the adult I was talking to would reply, "Because," and be done with it....or so they thought. But I -- being the crafty little angel that I was (not conceited at all) -- continued with, "Because why?"
Now, the response to that question would usually depend on who I was talking to. If I was talking to my dad -- or any other adult, really -- he would usually try and explain things to me. But if I was talking to my mom, I was usually met with, "Because I said so."
Over time I grew to accept what my mother told me and stopped asking why. Sure, I was still curious -- in some ways, I'm still just as inquisitive now as I was back then. I just leaned not to ask.
It took me a while, but I finally realized that there was a problem with that. It's human nature to be curious and it's normal for us to ask, "why." People who try to stifle that aren't helping us at all. They're only hurting us.
That little realization didn't dawn on me until about a year and a half ago. And it took someone from the outside to help me see it -- to teach me that blind acceptance isn't healthy for anyone.
Of course, there's a flip side to that, too. While blindly accepting things and never asking why can be unhealthy, asking questions can be bad, too. There's some truth to the saying, "Curiosity killed the cat" -- a lot of truth, actually. Sometimes, it's just better not to know.
See, when you ask questions, you start to get answers. That sounds dumb, I know, but it's true. If you ask a question, you aren't guaranteed to get an answer that you'll like. Trust me, I know. I know because it happened to me.
I found out things about my family. I learned things that I would rather not have known. And, once I knew, I could no longer be satisfied with maintaining the status quo.
I started to do anything to challenge that status quo. That started to cause some problems. In hindsight, I probably could have handled things better. Should have handled things better. Maybe if I had there wouldn't have been such a huge misunderstanding. Maybe I wouldn't have had to see that scared little boy about two months ago -- the one that I didn't realize had, up until that point in time, remained hidden inside that then-eighteen year old.
I've said it before -- to him, actually -- and I'll say it again: I never want to see that scared little child again. Worse, I never want to see him again, knowing that I brought that out in him. That my actions had a hand in bringing him out in the open.
But I do know one thing: I'm not going back to living my life the way I did before -- blindly accepting everything, never asking why. I can't go back. However, I realize that I can't make the same mistakes, either.
Curiosity is a double-edged sword. Certain questions lead to certain answers. You may not always like the answer you receive, but that doesn't change the fact that it's the answer you will get.
So, be careful about the questions you ask. Don't ask a question unless you are prepared to hear the answer, whether you want to hear it or not.
See, since my memory isn't exactly the greatest thing the world, I don't really have an "earliest childhood memory." Not a specific one, anyway. What I do remember in particular, though are the countless times I said, "why," to my parents when I was younger.
I was a pretty curious kid when I was little -- I think we all were at some point in our lives. I would ask a question, an adult would answer me. Not stopping there, I'd usually respond with, "Why?" To which the adult I was talking to would reply, "Because," and be done with it....or so they thought. But I -- being the crafty little angel that I was (not conceited at all) -- continued with, "Because why?"
Now, the response to that question would usually depend on who I was talking to. If I was talking to my dad -- or any other adult, really -- he would usually try and explain things to me. But if I was talking to my mom, I was usually met with, "Because I said so."
Over time I grew to accept what my mother told me and stopped asking why. Sure, I was still curious -- in some ways, I'm still just as inquisitive now as I was back then. I just leaned not to ask.
It took me a while, but I finally realized that there was a problem with that. It's human nature to be curious and it's normal for us to ask, "why." People who try to stifle that aren't helping us at all. They're only hurting us.
That little realization didn't dawn on me until about a year and a half ago. And it took someone from the outside to help me see it -- to teach me that blind acceptance isn't healthy for anyone.
Of course, there's a flip side to that, too. While blindly accepting things and never asking why can be unhealthy, asking questions can be bad, too. There's some truth to the saying, "Curiosity killed the cat" -- a lot of truth, actually. Sometimes, it's just better not to know.
See, when you ask questions, you start to get answers. That sounds dumb, I know, but it's true. If you ask a question, you aren't guaranteed to get an answer that you'll like. Trust me, I know. I know because it happened to me.
I found out things about my family. I learned things that I would rather not have known. And, once I knew, I could no longer be satisfied with maintaining the status quo.
I started to do anything to challenge that status quo. That started to cause some problems. In hindsight, I probably could have handled things better. Should have handled things better. Maybe if I had there wouldn't have been such a huge misunderstanding. Maybe I wouldn't have had to see that scared little boy about two months ago -- the one that I didn't realize had, up until that point in time, remained hidden inside that then-eighteen year old.
I've said it before -- to him, actually -- and I'll say it again: I never want to see that scared little child again. Worse, I never want to see him again, knowing that I brought that out in him. That my actions had a hand in bringing him out in the open.
But I do know one thing: I'm not going back to living my life the way I did before -- blindly accepting everything, never asking why. I can't go back. However, I realize that I can't make the same mistakes, either.
Curiosity is a double-edged sword. Certain questions lead to certain answers. You may not always like the answer you receive, but that doesn't change the fact that it's the answer you will get.
So, be careful about the questions you ask. Don't ask a question unless you are prepared to hear the answer, whether you want to hear it or not.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Why Easy Targets and People with Control Issues Don't Mix
Okay, so I'd just like to make one thing abundantly clear with everyone right here and now: Messing with people because they're easy to mess with is not okay. Just because someone is an easy target is no excuse to mess with them. I don't know why people do it, but it seems to be an odd source of entertainment for some people.
Maybe they do it for a laugh. Or maybe they do it because they have major control issues. The former isn't so bad, really -- as long as you make it clear that you are joking. The latter, however, can be detrimental to the "easy targets" involved.
See, people think messing with others is fun. More importantly, they think it's funny.They don't realize what it does to people, though. They don't realize that it makes them feel dumb, gullible, and pathetic. It's not exactly a self-esteem booster.
When you mess with people for the sake of satisfying your appetite for control, it does basically the same thing. It doesn't help people maintain a healthy level of self-esteem. And it certainly doesn't help them to trust others, either.
Bottom line: Words are powerful. You can tear a person down or build a person up with your words. Be careful with them, because there are easy targets out there. And messing with them -- for any reason -- isn't acceptable.
Maybe they do it for a laugh. Or maybe they do it because they have major control issues. The former isn't so bad, really -- as long as you make it clear that you are joking. The latter, however, can be detrimental to the "easy targets" involved.
See, people think messing with others is fun. More importantly, they think it's funny.They don't realize what it does to people, though. They don't realize that it makes them feel dumb, gullible, and pathetic. It's not exactly a self-esteem booster.
When you mess with people for the sake of satisfying your appetite for control, it does basically the same thing. It doesn't help people maintain a healthy level of self-esteem. And it certainly doesn't help them to trust others, either.
Bottom line: Words are powerful. You can tear a person down or build a person up with your words. Be careful with them, because there are easy targets out there. And messing with them -- for any reason -- isn't acceptable.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Hey Everybody! :)
So, here it is -- my first post. Wow. I'm not really sure if I have enough to talk about for this to even be considered a post, but oh well. I suppose I should start with a few things about myself.
This should be interesting; I'm not used to talking about myself. But it might help you understand some of the stuff I put up here, I guess. Here goes nothing.
My name is Crystal and I'm 18 years old. In 8 days, I will be moving in at the University of Kentucky, where I will be majoring in Journalism. It's a good thing I'm trying my hand at blogging, I guess, since it looks like that is what the newspaper industry will become in a few years. That, and I love writing almost as much as I love reading -- maybe more.
As you've no doubt figured out from the title of this blog, I'm a preacher's kid. My dad is currently the pastor of Floyds Knobs Christian Church in Floyds Knobs, Indiana. Being the daughter of a preacher is....frustrating at times. People seem to think that, because I'm a preacher's kid, I should be perfect. I'm sorry to disappoint you, but the only perfect person died on a cross over 2000 years ago. I make mistakes, just like everyone else -- probably more than anyone else.
I'm a Christian. My dad is a Disciples of Christ minister, but I don't really care about denominations. We all worship the same God, so what does it matter if we're Baptist, Methodist, Presbyterian, or whatever. God doesn't care, so why should we?
The same goes for politics, too. Don't ask me if I'm a Republican or a Democrat, a Liberal or a Conservative. There are two reasons for this: 1) I don't know which category I fall into and 2) I don't really care. I have an opinion for every issue, so much so that it is hard for me to pick just one side to represent. But I don't think it makes much sense to pick sides, anyway. If we're all striving for the same common goal, then why should our country be split between two different political parties?
That's pretty much all you need to know about me. The rest you can find by viewing my profile. I'm going to say this to everyone here and now, though: If I say something in one of my blogs that offends anyone, I'm sorry. I don't mean to offend anyone, but I won't sacrifice expressing my opinions for the sake of someones feelings; I can't. I know that sounds harsh, but it's the truth.
Happy reading, everybody!
This should be interesting; I'm not used to talking about myself. But it might help you understand some of the stuff I put up here, I guess. Here goes nothing.
My name is Crystal and I'm 18 years old. In 8 days, I will be moving in at the University of Kentucky, where I will be majoring in Journalism. It's a good thing I'm trying my hand at blogging, I guess, since it looks like that is what the newspaper industry will become in a few years. That, and I love writing almost as much as I love reading -- maybe more.
As you've no doubt figured out from the title of this blog, I'm a preacher's kid. My dad is currently the pastor of Floyds Knobs Christian Church in Floyds Knobs, Indiana. Being the daughter of a preacher is....frustrating at times. People seem to think that, because I'm a preacher's kid, I should be perfect. I'm sorry to disappoint you, but the only perfect person died on a cross over 2000 years ago. I make mistakes, just like everyone else -- probably more than anyone else.
I'm a Christian. My dad is a Disciples of Christ minister, but I don't really care about denominations. We all worship the same God, so what does it matter if we're Baptist, Methodist, Presbyterian, or whatever. God doesn't care, so why should we?
The same goes for politics, too. Don't ask me if I'm a Republican or a Democrat, a Liberal or a Conservative. There are two reasons for this: 1) I don't know which category I fall into and 2) I don't really care. I have an opinion for every issue, so much so that it is hard for me to pick just one side to represent. But I don't think it makes much sense to pick sides, anyway. If we're all striving for the same common goal, then why should our country be split between two different political parties?
That's pretty much all you need to know about me. The rest you can find by viewing my profile. I'm going to say this to everyone here and now, though: If I say something in one of my blogs that offends anyone, I'm sorry. I don't mean to offend anyone, but I won't sacrifice expressing my opinions for the sake of someones feelings; I can't. I know that sounds harsh, but it's the truth.
Happy reading, everybody!
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